March 5, 2024
They say that time waits for no one. I felt that this year. The past year seemed to have been put on the fast track of life moving very quickly. It has also been full of firsts - first birthdays, first Mother’s Day, first milestones, just a year of firsts. They just kept coming.
Honestly, it sucked!
You never truly realize how much of a void there is until there is a void. When my Mom passed a year ago, my world shifted. Shifted from my belief that my parents were going to live a long life, travel and see me and their grandkids start their next stage in life, to the reality of “I hope I can make it through a day”. I couldn’t even think of tomorrow or next week or one month ahead or even being here a year later. I was in a fog. I literally went through the motions of life for the first half of the year, hoping to land each day somewhat upright.
I was already struggling as a single mom trying to ensure my kids were happy, confident, young adults to emotionally dealing with the plot twists of life that changed how I thought about a lot of things, to now, being without the woman who taught me to be independent, brave, kind and selfless. I was heartbroken.
But I couldn’t stop because time doesn’t allow you to stop and be “soft”. The bills needed to be paid, lessons still needed to be learned and taught - things needed to “get done“ because they weren’t getting done by themself. I just couldn’t stop and give up, and there were times I wanted to give up. However, I knew my Mom would never have given up. She was and always will be, a fighter from the day she arrived into this world, to the day she left us. She taught me to do the same. I had to fight, to surge forward so I could distract myself from this awful pain inside my self. Believe me, I wanted to curl up into a ball on my bed and just cry. There were days I did this too, accomplishing nothing. I wanted to talk to my Mom, sometimes anyone for that matter, to know it would be ok and to feel not so, alone.
Since I already felt like I was drowning personally from losing my Mom, I poured myself into the things that brought me joy. One of those was my job. I worked harder because it gave me purpose. I couldn’t fail my kids, I needed to keep them safe and provide them a place to live. Helping people took my mind off of my own pain and slowly I found myself making it through the days. There are a few of my coworkers who were guardian angels to me and they probably don’t even know it. Work was certainly one of my lifesavers.
I also had things on my list that I wanted to experience more of - photography, ballooning, parades and my desire for adventure. These kept me grounded, able to breathe again, laugh, smile and escape from the reality of what I was going through, not just this past year, but years prior. It also reminded to heal, that I have to live. My phone is now filled with these reminders of beautiful friendships and love that bring me joy every time I see these amazing people and better yet, I now call them my family. They opened the door for me, allowing me to open my eyes again to see the world, see the good out there - feel happiness, laughter and a sense of adventure again. Something that I had only dreamed of in the past.
My kids, who are young adults, are my world and were also my Mom‘s world. We would spend many weekends at the Jersey Shore when they were little visiting my parents. Then they would spend the summers in the Carolinas when my Mom and Dad moved there. They were always so excited to see us. It brought so much joy, especially to my Mom. Losing her came as a shock to all of us. My Dad struggles every day. He has his moments readjusting his life and learning how to do things without Mom. He is very humble and never asks for any help. I can’t imagine the void he feels everyday. I am so proud of him and Mom would be too. I try hard to help navigate the difficult times as we all try to understand our new normal. It wasn’t easy and I’m sure they would agree. We have all learned a lot about ourselves and each other, becoming stronger each day.
In the end, we all have to go through pain in our lives and how we handle that pain can make the difference. It will never go away unfortunately. My mom would be so proud of her family. I mean, she was always proud of all of us. It’s just now you realize how time waits for no one. It hasn’t been easy this past year without her, but she definitely gave me her strength, her fight, her determination and her kindness to survive. My advice is this, greive, but get up. Don’t wait until there’s “enough time” to meet up with that old friend, call your family, make a new friend, start something new, or just tell someone you love them, because there ISN'T enough time and as they say, regret is worse.
Miss you and love you tons. Can’t believe it’s been a year already. I’ll keep doing my best to make you proud Mom!!!
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